Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered

Me: My first wife loved this movie.

Wife: I AM your first wife!

Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?

Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.

Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support

carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe

Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.

What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.

People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”

I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.

Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people

Clown: How many uncomfortably?

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section

When you put it that way… 😂

For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.

“Just circling back on this.”

“Take another lap.”

My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.

Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night

Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?

Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?

Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back

The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.

I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.

I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.

It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.

The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise

*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*

me: i’ve been hearing voices

psychiatrist:

me:

psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist

[looking for our lost son in the mall]

ME: we should split up and find him

WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*