Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

The ways printers are like kids:

1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline

Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”

“Nope.”

“A spider? An aardvark?”

“Wrong. It’s a horse.”

“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.

“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful

“If you love something, set it free…”

Unless it’s a man…

Cause he’ll get lost…

And you know he won’t ask for directions…

Bear attack by generation:

Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot

Gen x – climb tree build fort

Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it

Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta

[Home Depot staff meeting]

BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?

ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.

Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…

Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.

DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent

I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.

friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?

me: whichever one makes this conversation end

“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”

“OK, Daddy.”

Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?

Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”

Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan

Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like

All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂

Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.

Police: Because you keep killing people

{during sex}

Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights

me: i want to save this document

computer: great, just click save

me: ok i want to save it as something else

computer: easy, save as

me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf

computer: print

PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon

My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun