Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#CoronaOutbreak

I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!

My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him

Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”

My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.

That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.

JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that

me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.

them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”

My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.

Me: I love eating nerds

Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)

Me: no, not that kind.

You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself

CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.

Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.

*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”

My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?

Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL

If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you

Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”

Doctor: “…Oops.”

*slowly turns chart rightside up*

NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house

[marketing meeting]

Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?

The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children

“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”

“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”

“

“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.

“It’s been months since I got laid.”

– Baby chickens

My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy

me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes

lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died

Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.

found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today

A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.