Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
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I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.