Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
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The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
where the womens at?
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.