Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.

Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.

My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often

In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.

Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.

that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy

Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.

I’ll stop now.

Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.

Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.

On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.

What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.

Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.

There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.

You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?

Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter

My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out

My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…

The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.

Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.

The most embarrassing thing happened to me yesterday and I just need to tell this story because it’s making me laugh every time I remember it. So I was taking the metro yesterday, and first I want to clarify that I was born and raised in DC and have been taking the metro my entire life. I am NOT new to the metro. So yesterday I swiped my SmarTrip and it said the trip started but the turnstile gates didn’t open. So I went to the booth guy and told him and he was like “oh, ok I’ll just let you in through the emergency gate” and I was a little confused because I didn’t see any gate, there were only turnstiles and a metal fence with no gate. I was like “where?” and he pointed to the fence so I went over and like, it was clearly just a fence? But he keep gesturing me to pull on it! So I did, and of course it didn’t budge because it was a METAL FENCE built into the floor. And I’m pulling and pulling on what any human see is a fence when a guy walks by and CLEARLY thinks I’m just the dumbest person on earth and have no idea how to enter the metro and very kindly is like “you need to swipe your card and go through the turnstile” and walked way like I was brand new to EARTH. And then the booth guy came out and was like, “oh sorry, you’re right that’s just a fence, I thought it was a gate” and scanned me through the turnstile.

Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice

Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.

[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]

Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.

*wipes prints off microwave handle*

Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?

– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.

I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.

I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.

[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*

Pretty close.

Me: Hey Mom!

My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time

Me: Wha-

Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!

all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real

stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay