wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
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Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts