Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.

[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*

[text from wife at home]

“Pick that up.”

Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.

Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer

[Wedding night]

Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this

New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room

Me: Am I? *winks forever*

Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.

Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.

Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.

I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.

My fantasy football season is going great

And bowling should be called pinball

ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?

ME: Not murdering.

ATTORNEY: But where were you?

ME: {sweating} The not murder store.

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head

Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.

Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?

INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé

ME: Thank you, I found it outside

Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.

[8 hours later]

Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.

My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.

He described his son as “very mature”.

Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.

Me: I feel like I look cute today.

Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.

TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?

STUDENT: dammit I’m mad

TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else

For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.

Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.

I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car

If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2

Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.

Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.