I’m black. I should be able to stick my finger in milk and make it chocolate milk. But evolution is bogus.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
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I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Funny how kids can remember a video game you promised them months ago but ask them to turn off a light 10x and suddenly they’re clueless
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?