@ArfMeasures

Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night

Me: You can’t prove that

Taco Bell employee: No we can

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@TheDailySchmuck

I’m black. I should be able to stick my finger in milk and make it chocolate milk. But evolution is bogus.

@PFitzpa

I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.

@dubiousgenius

ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.

@LoveNLunchmeat

I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.

@Reverend_Scott

Mistakes married men make:

1. Doing things.

2. Not doing things.

3. Thinking about doing things.

4. Not thinking about doing things.

@DaddyJew

Funny how kids can remember a video game you promised them months ago but ask them to turn off a light 10x and suddenly they’re clueless

@JermHimselfish

Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[after the apocalypse]

God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver

Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man

@sixfootcandy

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

@kelly__le

If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?

“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”