Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
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It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started