Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something

Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it

[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel tower

me: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before

Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.

Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.

Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.

[Lab]

MONSTER: What is my name?

“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”

MONSTER: But that is your name

“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”

A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.

i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.

OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!

We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.

You can’t explain children. You just survive them.

People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.

Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.

Him: Can you forgive me?

*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*

Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.

Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination

My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.

Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home

Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time

My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.

My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

[family therapy]

JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference

DOC: Why do you do that?

ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond

Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.

If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.

[church fundraiser]

me: *takes out a $100*

priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child

me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?

I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?

No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting

‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage

The game has officially changed 😎