WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
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My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
For anyone who needs this today
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?