Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it

girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died

me: yeah ok

I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.

Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣

“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?

Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.

WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?

Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?

Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.

As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.

When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.

My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.

Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…

It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…

[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler

bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.

Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you

Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks

i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat

Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.

Her: Don’t you have a child?

My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.

Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up

I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.

JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free

ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY

Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies

I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.

I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*

bartender: the usual?

me: you know it

bartender: [throws me thru window]

DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant

ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before

DATE: Are you having deja vu?

ME: No I’m having the chicken

Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity

Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here

Satan: wait no