Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i just love traveling!

my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about

Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what

What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”

“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement

Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered

phew

Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison

Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no

“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.

[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!

My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT

GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!

GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.

[at recycling center]

Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*

Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*

“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.

[family dinner]

my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren

me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.

co-worker: hey-

me: what is it I’m very busy

co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv

[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]

I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.

I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me

Ya I miss me too

Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”

elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part

Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.

Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?

Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..

..

..

..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!

Conversations with my pets:

Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!

Me: Please could you
Cat: No.

[boarding a plane]

me: I’m nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*

I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…

Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.