WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
You Might Also Like
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Seek kebab; not attention