Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.

Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.

Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.

It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.

*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*

“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”

How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.

“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.

Come and get your love.

I don’t deliver. Take out only.

Many many moons ago:

Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year

Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”

“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

JESUS: [walks on water]

JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle

JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas

JUDAS: Actually..

when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick

Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.

Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.

Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?

Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.

Please don’t feed the Kardashians.

I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.

I can’t deal with men any longer

A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”

I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.

After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.

I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…

Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.

I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?

wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped

A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.

She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.

She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.

It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.

I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.

hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?