Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack

if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

😎

I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.

Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.

Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.

Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really

A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.

[god creating worms]

WORM: Alright I’m a snake!

GOD: Well, no you—

WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?

GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy

I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…

that people can’t tell who I am

A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.

“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”

“you’re odd”

“you are also odd”

“yes”

“so we’re even”

The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.

The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers

911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad

when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint

I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.

“wfh”

what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?

Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”

Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.

The judge, however called it compelling evidence

*eye roll*

Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.

Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.

Me: How much for the snake hamster?

Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret

reminder

me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe

girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao

Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.

When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.

Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody

(gets elected)

Me: I never said that.

At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.