Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90

Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand

She’ll love it

I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it

I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum

Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?

My date: [to waiter] Check, please.

My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym

Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?

[swimming pool]

me: do you have family changing facilities?

clerk: yes we do

me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife

My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.

I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.

Her: Are you even capable of love?

Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.

Going feral. Y’all need anything?

Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*

Card: “My over-preparedness.”

TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex

I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff

*rubs lamp/genie appears*

*makes me listen to ads before each wish*

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

liiiiiiiiike

Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.

My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.

boss: sorry, we have to let you go

me: in the middle of a work retreat?

boss *severing my rock climbing rope*

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet

I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.

“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]