Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh

4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”

A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it

You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.

ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”

I don’t understand what’s happening here.

Her: So do you like hash browns?

Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.

Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.

Live a little.

Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa

Adele: I set fire to Lorraine

Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone

Lorraine: Stop it

Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check

<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife

The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.

I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.

Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this

Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again

imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner

I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.

[high school reunion]

“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”

No that was Tyler.

I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”

Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question

If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family

If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.