Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too

[after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby

*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*

walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins

walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas

WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.

Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.

I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.

me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks

skydiving instructor: absolutely not

spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.

me: your honor, the defense rests.

judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.

*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*

*queen’s gambit*

dad: knight takes queen

daughter: *3D prints new queen*

Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”

We will use anything but the metric system

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.

I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.

Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”

*When I see someone else jaywalk*

“What an idiot.”

*When I jaywalk*

“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”

[in hell]

me: *sad* why am I here?

satan: you’re a murderer

me: what? no I’m not

satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl

me: *blushing* aww

When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter

I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.

Now it’s syncing.

#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish

[first day as a mechanic]

customer: can i get a quote?

me: give me liberty or give me death

customer: i meant for the truck

me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out

Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now

Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR

Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.

Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?

I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.

Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them