Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.

The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.

The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.

Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.

The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.

Judas: Never. He’s my friend.

Council: …and an iPad.

Judas: I hate that guy.

I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.

Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.

[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no

My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭

Me: I forbid you to go!

Her: What was that?

Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”

I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way

[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?

waiter: no they can’t reach the table

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower

Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right

Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.

baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements

me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?

baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*

Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags

Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute

Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds

A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.

the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time

My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.

I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.

This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday

This evening, I’m learning to play the drums

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.

Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”

gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone

me: don’t worry I only breathe air