Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”

Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.

You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it

cellmate: how did you get here

me: i took the train

cellmate: no i mean what did you do

me: i just told you

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”

Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu

Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.

☠️ ☠️

Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?

Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!

Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.

Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.

I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.

Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!

6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.

Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.

What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?

*Plot Twist*

Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.

A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.

TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please

The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude

The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%

‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.

Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.

(1st day in heaven)

Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators

They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton

Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”

My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”