Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?

Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?

Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?

Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.

toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise

Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?

Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD

I hate fungi but then it grew on me.

CW: How was your weekend?

*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”

CW: Are you talking to a stapler?

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.

– Every kid ever.

[Clown College]

Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-

Pennywise: *raising hand*

Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?

Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*

[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes

No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.

Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.

Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.

Owl Sanctuary

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.

nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper

Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.

Me: Don’t push me.

Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.

*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*

You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.

I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation

Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.

🤣

has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?

Me: What did you do at preschool?

3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.

Me:

3-year-old: I need to lie down.

*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth

YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…

Oh

WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?

ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools

I once drove a girl home from the pub and she spent the entire time messing with my car radio and changing the music then she said we should hang out sometime and I said “absolutely not”

reviewed some movies recently