Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*

When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock

I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.

I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.

No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.

I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.

To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…

I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.

Well three can play at that game.

I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.

Guys: I’m educated about female issues.

Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?

Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?

Me: Vodka

Guy: That’s classy

Me: Not in the amounts I drink

Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast

angel: and so wild

god: only a lunatic would ride one

angel: are you—

god: —ima make a lunatic

Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.

me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how

Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.

If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.

Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.

Apparently she learned bribery.

Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.

Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?

N: So?

M: So, I can’t help you.

Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.

Boss: HR wants to see you

Me: What for?

Boss: Mandatory drug test

Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.

THEM: That’s a cactus

Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?

It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.

“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”

Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.

Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

Someone: how are you?

Me: thanks, you too.