[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
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It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier