Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did we do it, did we save the daylight

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’

I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.

*eats it

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.

I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.

My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”

This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo

My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.

*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*

I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.

impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks

[texting my wife from the barber]

WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:

sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory

Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.

[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so

I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.

Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.

Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing

I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot

It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now

Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.

I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks

I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.

me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?

moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.

Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.

I love you to the refrigerator and back

I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue

Me, 30 seconds later: