WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
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One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.