Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
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1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
new career option?
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
one of
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Straight people are cancelled
HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?
Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Someone’s fallen Lord
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Someone’s fallen Lord
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Someone’s fallen Lord
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Oh Lord Hashtag Lol