Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?

What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?

I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.

So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.

Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi

burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”

[first date]

Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*

Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices

Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*

5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?

*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*

Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go

5yo: I’m full from leaves

[working in garage]

“Hand me a screwdriver, son”

A flat one?

“No”

[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go

Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?

Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.

Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead

“Hi-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Do y-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Excuse m-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”

Me: What did you learn about at school?

10-year-old: States.

Me: What did you learn about them?

10: That there’s too many.

Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.

I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.

Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?

And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.

Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.

Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.

My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.

right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson

Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room

[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale

Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.

40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.

Her: So, what are we thinking?

Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”

Beware of the dog..

Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?

This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.

Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.

My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!