Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.

I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.

My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.

By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.

1st base: kissing

2nd base: petting

base 10: freaky math stuff

When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work

cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”

just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss

My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.

She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.

So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.

Animal poetry

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick

[bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?

[me as a drug dealer]

Me: wanna buy some acid?

Guys: yeah, whaddya got?

Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic

Guys: (stab me repeatedly)

me: i’m not afraid of death

[2 mins later : stubs toe]

also me: OMG I’M DYING

*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*

Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?

Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted

ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.

COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for

I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.

Especially from you-know-who.

Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.

attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin

Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.

I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat

Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store

Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me

Therapist: That’s where I can help

Me: Great

Therapist: They don’t

Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.

Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.

My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.

I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.