WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
You Might Also Like
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Personal question. #JustSaying
“I asked Santa for a real duck.”
— My child, trying to break me 3 days before Christmas
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater