WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
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My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
what day is it?
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
repaired
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
I hope this email finds you in a well
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.