wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
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People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.
Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.
“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.
Blindsided me.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.