wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
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DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.