Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

Me: I’m not delusional.

Squirrel: There she goes again.

Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count

Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂

me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents

Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime

Me flirting: So do you like bread

A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!

Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now

*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*

Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.

You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:

Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet

I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless

There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.

[texting]

-have a good day

You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!

*showing friend my new place*

Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?

it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….

now tell me, Are you one of Them?

Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day

Raise the bar ..?

Like, go and drink upstairs ..?

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?