@TweetPotato314

wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought

me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did

wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought

me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did

- @TweetPotato314

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@GrantTanaka

“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate

@1Happytwit

I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.

@fanofhell

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before

@joejwest

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

@noog

In current news:

US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP

@AdamOfEarth

12013 B.C.: You might run into cougars while out clubbing

2013 A.D.: You might run into cougars while out clubbing

@KateWhineHall

I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.