wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
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Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”