Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

NEW YEAR’S LOGIC

1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.

Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….

more water

Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.

Marriage Counsellor: …

I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are

Top 3 questions asked by my parents:

3) How’s the business?

2) Do you have a girlfriend?

1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?

“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same

My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.

People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.

Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now

Me: Please don’t

Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰

Me: Omg 3 please

Couples therapist: what scares you the most?

Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other

Me: when the washing machine goes really fast

This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼‍♀️

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?

me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo

My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans

“What a tangled web we weave”

-Earbuds

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.

From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done

My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.

My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance

There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.

When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.

*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*

*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*

My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu

I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.