Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”

You thought wrong.

The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.

I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.

[first date]

HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.

ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.

Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.

Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.

Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo

How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?

Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding

people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye

MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird

Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.

HIM: And a trillion dollars.

GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.

HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.

GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?

HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.

GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.

It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy

I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:

a) that we were racing,

And more importantly,

b) that I won.

Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.

can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets

I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.

Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”

[Me visiting US for the first time]

Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08

My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.

mary: my water broke

joseph: why do I smell grapes

I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.

Officer: Did u know your back light is out

Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage

My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”