Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
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Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
[Biker gang initiation]
Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
I’m giving up for Lent.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too