WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
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If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
S O O N
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.