Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”

We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

Waiter: May I recommend the steak?

Dracula: You may not

[Interview]

“Describe yourself in one word.”

Me: Lethargic.

me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software

me in 2023: any day now probably

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement

“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”

Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”

For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.

Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i mend relationships

professor boyfriend: oh wow

Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*

getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt

This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart

“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”

“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”

“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”

~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp

Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.

“Avocado Kedavra”

-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done

Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox

Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

Me: Yes and No.

If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?

Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.

Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!

Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.

Me: Flirting is fun

Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.

Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone

My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen

Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer

Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.

Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh

They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.