Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish other people my age weren’t so old.

dutch so unserious

Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.

Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.

I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.

Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:

6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”

Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”

6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”

Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”

Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”

If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.

[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*

a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”

You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”

Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake

My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”

I am so proud.

So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?

*husband and I arguing*

Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!

Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”

I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.

I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.

I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat

Professor X: What’s your superpower?

Me: I turn positives into negatives.

Confessor X: Oh.

God: let there be light!

vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now

DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?

Where it all went wrong

Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.

Her: Is that what you want?

Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?

Utility company website: Are you a bot?

Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.