WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
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*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
That’s it.I’m out.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.