Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.

“FRAAANCE!”

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.

SISTER: i’m engaged!

ME: awwwwwwwwewwww

SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there

ME: …no

Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?

Audience: WOOOOOOOOO

Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich

ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.

New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn

i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations

my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on

Table for one, please.

Ma’am, your family is right behind you.

OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!

I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.

“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever

me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: did he just get in line

India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.

Me: digging up to the surface for a bit

Worm Wife: why

Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you

Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…

Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂

Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳

Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.

man: want a carrot?

horse: ok.

man: we’re friends now right.

horse: i guess.

man: great hey can you help me move.

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

I have chosen my priorities!

#studies #exams

I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.

My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation