Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.

{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?

I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.

It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.

I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line

Uncharted Territory… underneath the refrigerator

BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!

[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]

Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game

Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac

Me: I’m over it

[halftime, 2 beers later]

TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶

Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?

Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah

*20 minutes later

Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭

Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.

Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?

*Tortoise says something racist.

Me: oh no please stop stabbing me

Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this

Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.

When my kids ask me anything before coffee

Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids

Wife: When?

Me: Between 2 and 5

Wife: Ok

Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6

Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend

Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.

I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college

Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit

Son using Ouija board: HEY MA

Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.

JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith

ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus

JON: Bad medicine is what I need

ME: Can someone take Jon home please

“Extra cheese”

Extra! Extra! More cheese!!

“No olives”

Breaking! Hold on the olives!

~Ex-Newsie working at Subway

I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.

[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree

My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”

Me: “wedding cake”.

getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys