Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.

Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.

Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas

*first day at gymnastics class*

Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!

Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.

Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good

Never thought owning a bakery would have me handwrite love letters for long distance couples sending each other breads but here I am. This is literally the thirdest I’ve ever wheeled without even being even there

Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..

*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.

*Returns to couch.

*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.

Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils

Me: *pours*

Wife: And now lye

Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets

Wife: What

Me: What

Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer

Cop: Please get out of the vehicle

Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.

Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?

the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram

My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.

I’m impressed.

They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.

Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES

My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.

her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?

Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.

If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.

I know this now.

Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy

Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.

I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien

Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.

Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.

Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.

Me: Literally me.

Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.

Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO

A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”

Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE

It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this