Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.

Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*

Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech

I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone

In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.

#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?

[on the playground]

mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car

3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much

There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.

People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole

Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:

Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude

I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.

I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.

If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.

I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado

“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”

Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself

the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: can I give some feedback?

me: what did I just say

IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.

[Dr. Strange casting read]

Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ

Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?

Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt

Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death

*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER

early stone age tool

The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime

If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.

PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.