Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.

[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens

Dad, did you let the parrot name me?

– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.

Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?

i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free

I fall in love too easily.

Wait..

It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.

If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.

It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.

I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.

It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.

saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?

Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards

I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.

Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.

Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!

Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

Manager: Is there any training you’d like to attend this year?

Me: Could I attend “Advanced Tolerating Simpletons”?

Manager:

2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out

I forgot how to panic. Help

If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.

7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.

Me: I am so in.

Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”

Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.

Me: *spits soup into bucket*

Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.

If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.