’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
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Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.