WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
You Might Also Like
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I camp so other people don’t have to.
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Hotels are back
🤷♀️
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??