wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
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The decibel level of my car singing is not commensurate with my talent
This is hilarious
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.