Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
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[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”