Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
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teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Terribly Tuesday.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”