Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
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7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?
17: That the public is crazy.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Best misinterpreted text ever!
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.