
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
teacher: what do you want to be when you grow up
me: happy
teacher: [on phone] we need to talk about your son’s unrealistic expectations
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
How To Avoid Dating
?You’re too young for me.
?I’m too young for you.
?I don’t date men my age.
?Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
“You should leave your wife…” The secret note I leave on my husband’s windshield every morning…
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.