@murrman5
me: I assumed garlic worked on witches too
friend in large boiling cauldron with me: you just made us delicious
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@murrman5
@jon_snow_420
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
@Average_Dad1
We went to a restaurant and my 2 year old sat down, grabbed the napkin-wrapped utensils, and said “oh, a present!”. She began to unwrap them and her face lit up as she exclaimed “a fork and a knife! yes!” Guess I know what we’re getting her for Christmas now.
@meganamram
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
@RidiculousSheri
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
@ThaJawn
Dad: This note from your calligraphy teacher is very concerning… and stunningly beautiful
@ColesTwitt3r
house sitting!
@avainwordland
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
@Fred_Delicious
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
@Skoogeth
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop