Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
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If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
no one ever comes back
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.