@C00LpenNAME God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
@sofarrsogud [Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
@AmishPornStar1 All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
@Furry_Beaver Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
@girlontapas Establish dominance by licking the spoon and then putting it back in the mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving dinner.
@cwhudson *gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
@Tommytoughstuff Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
@3sunzzz If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
@plsleaveamsg “You’re just not enlightened enough to understand the beauty of polyamoury!”
And you’re not enlightened enough to understand just how much people in general annoy TF out of me.
@knot_eye [ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
