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@MandiAtRandom

Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there

@desijourno

When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.

@Holy_Mowgli

[1907. the first convenience store opens]

GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn

@tweetsbyrocket

teacher: what do you want to be when you grow up

me: happy

teacher: [on phone] we need to talk about your son’s unrealistic expectations

@EJGomez

james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on

@AndyAsAdjective

*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*

@JoParkerBear

How To Avoid Dating

?You’re too young for me.
?I’m too young for you.
?I don’t date men my age.
?Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.

@MsSugar_Kisses

“You should leave your wife…” The secret note I leave on my husband’s windshield every morning…

@runawaycupcake

“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.