Wife: how do we explain Halloween to our kids? Me: they wear a costume and ask strangers for candy. Wife: but we told them to NEVER accept candy from strangers. Me: tell them one day a year it's ok. it's like the Purge but for Children.

Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there

When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.

[1907. the first convenience store opens]

GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn

teacher: what do you want to be when you grow up

me: happy

teacher: [on phone] we need to talk about your son’s unrealistic expectations

james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*

How To Avoid Dating

?You’re too young for me.
?I’m too young for you.
?I don’t date men my age.
?Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.

“You should leave your wife…” The secret note I leave on my husband’s windshield every morning…

“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.

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