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@C00LpenNAME

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

@sofarrsogud

[Advert for hiking]

Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?

@Furry_Beaver

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

@girlontapas

Establish dominance by licking the spoon and then putting it back in the mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving dinner.

@cwhudson

*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*

@Tommytoughstuff

Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.

@3sunzzz

If you love someone, let them go.

If they don’t come back, get a dog.

@plsleaveamsg

“You’re just not enlightened enough to understand the beauty of polyamoury!”

And you’re not enlightened enough to understand just how much people in general annoy TF out of me.

@knot_eye

[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-Y

What the!? A cheesy board!?

G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S