Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.

Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.

Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

[1st date]

me: are you cold?

date: *shivering* a little

me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks

1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage

Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.

Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?

Me: K.

My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.

[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*

Person: Home decor is a niche market.

Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.

I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!

If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park

I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.

friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection

[later]

guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?

me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way

Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.

Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*

Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.

People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.

Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?

Me: *wearing my Burger King crown

Passport photographer: No

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately

Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics

Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.

To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.

you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does

This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.