WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
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[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know
me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–
person: *losing interest*
me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Go hard or stay average
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl