Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my lawyer: deny everything

me: no

My yoga instructor was drunk today.

Put me in a very awkward position.

Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.

Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative

Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.

On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.

Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.

Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.

DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?

WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt

4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear

You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.

I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.

Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.

The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.

Get real…

Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.

Interview Tip #17

be polite and maintain eye contact

[later]

Interviewer: hello

Me: *staring intensely* yes please

at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet

The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.

HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*

can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious

It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”

When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours

Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows

My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.

Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.

12yo: Download it from the app store

Me:

Husband:

12yo: