WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
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Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?
…Anybody?
Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Why is peter pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
what day is it?
