Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
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I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.