Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: do you have any specials

PHARMACIST: what

Somebody call the cops.

me

until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist

Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?

John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.

You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult

barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach

people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle

“Remember where we parked.”

-Me, to my dog.

Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.

“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?

LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer

Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.

Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat

….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.

All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.

The secret to work life balance is generational wealth

12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude

[grocery shopping]

ME: oooh my back just cracked

5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!

You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.

Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.