Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”

Cashier: Want carry-out help?

Me: Please

*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries

Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….

My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?

Same. But I’m in a liquor store.

Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh

I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.

chat, i am full of concern

Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.

Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.

a realtor showing you an absolutely unusable space in a house: how cool is that?

Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”

me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand

toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it

cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball

Me: I’m cutting back on wine!

Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .

A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza

I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?

“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?

Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*

How much for the mirror?

Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.

Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.

Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.

Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.

Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.

any time someone tells me to “be better” i always say “show me how” and they get really mad

A baby bear catches snowflakes.

We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.