Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?

Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.

Tween: Nevermind.

Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?

Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.

Him: What’s another word for pee?

Her: Urinate.

Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.

Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

channeling her this year

My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.

Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.

I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.

I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.

“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”

[from the bushes]
“No”

Them: Hey girl what’s your sign

Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours

When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.

Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.

nothing like a slow cooked sausage

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.

Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago

Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*

My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again

Me, crying: yes

My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again

Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes

At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.