wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
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Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly