Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
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At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo
ME: *way too loud* A granaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Get in loser we’re going crying