Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.

I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.

Can we not just call it Zealand now?

Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…

He brews.

[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”

superman landing like a plane on his belly

I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.

This makes total sense…

I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.

7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.

Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.

[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy

[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy

“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.

If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.

NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”

Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”

*All of Twitter goes missing*

do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?

Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.

me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar

balloon animal guy: ok

Ah..makes sense now

One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me

The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?

Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.

Shouldn’t a grand piano only cost $1000?

Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.

“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist