Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
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Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
scenes of unspeakable carnage
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back
Mike is short for Micycle
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper