Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it

Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.

I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.

Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.

Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.

My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.

‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’

*in Hell

Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence

gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!

[First Date]

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”

Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”

Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”

I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”

Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”

Me: “Hell yes!”

Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”

I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.

I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.

That’s someone else’s problem.

-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write

don’t we all

Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.

[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]

“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice

Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?

My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…

Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.

me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*

website: we need you to call for that

me: *calls*

phone message: we’re busy, use the website

me: screams into the void

the void: please use the website

Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR

“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”

No one

Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.

“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?

me: *gets in the cart* yes.

Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.