“Can you explain this Gap in your work history?”
Yes that’s when I worked for the popular clothing retailer
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
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Get off my horse you stupid moon
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Just hired 2 private detectives to follow each other. I’ll keep you guys posted.
My husband showed me beautiful flowers on his phone & said, “Look, I got you some flowers.”
So I put them in a vase of water.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Somewhere, someplace, there’s a hole in the world & inside it there’s a bunch of gremlins hoarding the 50,000 lighters I can’t find.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will