Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
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Beware of fowl play.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band