Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.

Wife: I counted 19.

Me: Well I rounded down.

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My ex and I would role play from time to time. She would dress up as a teacher and call my mother to tell her that I ate the Crayons again.


I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.


Boss: You gonna get any work done today?

Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.

B: Who won?

M: Jack Daniels


I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/


Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.


I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”


me: Pop the champagne

you: Yay! What are we celebrating?

me: what


Stormtroopers never miss. They’re just trained to fire a 21 shot salute to celebrate the commencement of every firefight.


Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.


“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”

“Different fathers?”

“Shark attack.”